Oh, Online Dating...The Problem With Endless Possibilities

Falling into love seems to be something that has become easier and easier to do these days with all the online dating options out there. There’s an overabundance of options for the younger generation to meet, hook up, and get those buzz-like feelings that often get mistaken as “love.”

For example, now there’s Tinder, Bumble, Match, Jdate, Zooks, E-harmony, Hinge… and hundreds of more avenues for connections! Often, I see clients struggle with simply having too many options. Some report being able to go online and waste hours and hours of their day connecting to others until they start to catch feelings with one particular interaction. Sound familiar?

In the past, I’ve encouraged my clients to get online when they were ready to date. Usually, with older clients the dating pool is slim, or they’ve been “out of” the dating world for a while. Getting online is a way to get them to work through the stigma around online dating. Once I could change that belief system and get them online, they started to open up to new possibilities that these platforms do create. It was used as a simple reminder that there’s always an opportunity for someone better.

But lately, I have been seeing the opposite problem arise… especially for the younger audience. There are just too many choices and it’s too easy to discard someone because of their photo or one “okay” date. With so many ways for people to connect and be available, it has actually created a wave of unavailability. Nothing seems to stick with that fast and easy solution of swiping to the next girl or guy on the list. All we have done is created a pool of endless communication, only to find ourselves more disconnected in the end.

The Stages of a Relationship

The endless possibilities from online dating haven’t just created a sense of “too much of a good thing,” they’ve impacted the normal stages of a relationship. Meaning, most people never get past the first stage. You’ve likely heard of the stages of relationships as they’re spelt out by many. To keep it brief, I’ll sum it all up in three stages…

The “honeymoon” phase: The first stage is known as the honeymoon phase, or what I like to commonly refer to as the “dopamine phase.” Dopamine is a type of neurotransmitter in your brain. Don’t get bogged down by the technical jargon… all you need to know is dopamine plays a major role in how we feel pleasure and is also part of our uniquely human ability to think and plan.

When this chemical is released in the brain during the honeymoon phase, it’s because we are thrilled by this new “love” we are feeling. In short, this phase is when we think we are in love at first sight. But, in reality, it has a lot to do with a chemical reaction (dopamine) in the brain. 

We have our rose-colored glasses on and what we actually fall in love with is the idea of our partner, not the reality of them. How could we love the reality when we don’t yet know it? We are only getting glimpses of their best attributes, without any of their flaws. We also tend to do the same and present our best selves to our partner, leaving out anything we might consider less than perfect. 

The “power struggle” phase: The second stage is very important, and it’s called the “power struggle phase” or the “conflict phase.” It’s important because it’s when our rose-colored glasses start to slide off, and our buttons start getting pushed. We actually start to encounter problems with our partner during this stage. 

Most people don't know how important this stage is. They often want to jump ship when the going gets tough, when in reality, it’s just a normal shift in development. This is where online dating comes into play… 

Combine the realization that your partner isn’t this perfect person you created them to be during the honeymoon phase with the endless options and we have with online dating, and you’ve created the perfect recipe for serial dating. 

The “commitment” phase: The third stage of a relationship I’ll outline today is more of a committed one. It’s when you’ve made it through the conflict phase and have decided to work through the hard times with your partner. This is when love sets in. But the ability to jump ship when things get hard and the endless options prevent people from ever really getting to this stage. 

This stage is found when you’re able to accept your partner’s imperfections and work through hard times with each other. This all pays off in the form of commitment, awareness, understanding, and trust. All of these attributes you cultivate with your partner during this stage allow for deeper levels of love to develop. 

The Love-Seeking Epidemic

I wish I could say I have experienced this serial dating phenomenon with just one client, but the truth is, I’ve seen it in many cases and it’s developing into a love-seeking epidemic. 

For example, take my client Lauren. She is pretty and smart and is just starting out in her career, while also longing to find Mr. Right. She complains she hasn't been able to find the right guy, and yet comes into my office almost twice every week, claiming she has found him and has fallen in love. Once the relationship starts to hit intimacy and reality sets in, she quickly goes back online. 

This is a pattern I have pointed out to her. She openly admits that she keeps searching when it doesn’t feel right. She gets back on her dating sites even before the relationship is broken off and starts the search all over again. I hold up the mirror to her and remind her that she is leaving possibilities behind because of her inability to sit in something that’s uncomfortable and work through conflict. She is actually more excited about the process of early dating than fostering a deeper, more meaningful, connection. This is the love-seeking epidemic, and it’s really just serial dating. 

Press the Pause Button

Lauren isn't the only client I’ve seen this happen to. These apps, which I once thought of as tools to help people connect, have actually turned into tools to help people avoid. If you’re guilty of this behavior, there is a simple solution…

Don't give up so early. Ride out the wave with your new partner a little longer and collect more information. Also, don't jump back online right away… even if you do discover that partner isn’t the right match. After one doesn’t work out, try sitting back and really start looking at the “why.” Before you go into searching mode again, press the pause button. 

Remember… the question isn’t whether or not your relationship will have issues. All relationships will have issues. The question you should ask yourself, especially when the dopamine wears off and you’re in the midst of the “power struggle phase,” is this: Are these issues solvable? And if so, am I willing to do the work to solve them with my partner? 

Our brain becomes hardwired by the constant swiping and the initial flirtatious messages. It can feel extremely good and release a lot of feel-good chemicals in your brain. But, beware… that is not love, and that will not lead you to love. Love is much deeper than our early interactions. Love comes after we have seen the good and the bad, and we reach a level of communication that fosters growth and change. 

For all of those reading this who just love swiping left, stop… take a breath… and reevaluate what part of you is being fed by online dating. Start engaging mindfully and give someone a chance before you opt for the next photoshopped profile picture. 

5 Secrets That No One Tells You Why Relationships Are “Hard” And How To Prevent A Disaster

Why relationships are hard: know how to save a relationship

I will explain the five things that are so important to know when you’re in a relationship or before you get back into another relationship. After years of working with singles and couples, these five secrets are the ones that I constantly go over in most of my sessions. Having this insight can save you pain and a big mistake when you run into struggles with your partner. They say, “relationships aren’t easy”… we all hear this all the time but no one goes into detail as why they get hard. Read below and you’ll prevent a lot of confusion down the road. 

1. There is a dopamine phase or otherwise known as the “honeymoon phase”. There are also other chemicals released in the beginning of many relationships. This happens when you first meet someone and there are fireworks inside you. Your feelings inflate you have a rush inside of you that feels sooooo good and you’re possibly feeling complete for the first time ever with your partner. Research says this phase lasts anywhere from two days to two years. What you might know is this is backed up evidence that we do actually release dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin when start dating someone. All three of these chemicals have a feel good feeling when released. Often we refer to the early parts of a relationship as the “dopamine phase”.

2. The dopamine wears off. What people don’t know is often they find they are upset with their partner right when the dopamine wears off. The domaine phase is supposed to wear off so we can enter the next phases of the relationship which is more of a power struggle . Some think the relationship is no longer good when this happens. Mainly because on a biochemical level their brain stops the feel good feelings it was once releases. Often we mistake or blame our partner for this by placing blame on our partner failing to see this is neurochemistry messing with our heads. We are supposed to leave the feel good phase and learn how to work through conflict combined with less chemicals in the brain. This can feel like a fall from the dopamine induced pink cloud we have been chilling out in. Boom! We hit reality and we have to start working on the less the glamorous parts the partnership. 

3. Take ownership. If you don’t know how to take ownership for your mistakes, you’ll never be really successful. Same goes with your partner. If you pick someone who can never say they're sorry, own their own behaviors. and blames you. You’re in trouble. Jumping to blame game is problematic, but a sign that you’re in a healthy relationship, is when you can step out and own your own flaws and vise versa. Taking ownership requires you to step into feelings like shame or guilt and other feelings so that you can work through that and change your behavior. Often I seen couples get defensive because they struggle with the feelings that come up. When we are brave and willing to take a deeper look within and be honest, we can step into responsibility and that is the catalyst for change and connection. 

4. Conflict is good! In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to openly speak their truth which can lead to conflict. Avoiding conflict is not healthy but learning effective conflict resolution skills is. In fact, the best relationships is when you can be yourself without overcompensating your voice. Having a strong voice and speaking your truth will make you appealing to your partner. If you lose your voice and overcompensate all the time, you lose your healthy autotomy and could possibly build resentment down the road. 

5. Your core fears will come up in your most romantic relationship. It’s part of you, and the person who gets close to you will activate old wounds. For example if you have a fear of abandonment, that will come up. Or if you felt not good enough as a child, your partner will indirectly hit that nerve with you. This is because the wound is inside you and the people we let in will somehow recreate similar feelings and you’ll associate those with your deep core issues. So what is left unresolved will show up. This is an important concept because what often happens is we blame our partner for all our pain when in reality that pain is back logged. In psychology we use this concept that what is happening in the moment is the 10 percent and if it feels overwhelming it often is an issue that links back to your 90 percent. That’s right, it’s deeper and older than you think. So try and be aware of what your partner is activating inside of you and if those feelings are in fact older feeling… Chances are both are true. Your partner is causing you pain, but the pain is extra intense because you have felt that way before. Stay aware and stay open about exploring where the “feeling” started so you can take some blame off your partner. 

The good news is all of these are normal. When you fall off your dopamine high, if you can be aware and not do a 180 with your feelings, you can work through the next phase of the relationship. If you effectively learn to communicate and own your parts you have an even better chance and successful partnership. Lastly, if you find yourself feeling old feelings of “I’m not good enough” or “she/he is going to leave me” then that’s a sign that you just have a little more internal work to do. Instead of projecting our fears onto our partner, it’s actually the perfect time to heal them within and thank our partner for bringing them to our awareness. In understanding these 5 secrets, you should not be blind sighted when they arrive in your relationship. Remember relationships have cycles and stages. They are forever evolving into something else if you can move through the harder things with grace, curiosity and empathy, you cultivate the deeper more substantial love in the last stage. 

International Podcast Featuring Jessica Baum LMHC

Jessica Baum LMHC of Relationship Institute of Palm Beach was featured on the international podcast of accomplished global keynote business and motivational speaker, Jonathan Doyle. In this podcast, Jessica is interviewed by Jonathan Doyle on the topic of "shifting into self connection". 

The podcast provides great insight for anyone dealing with any kind of emotional matter at any level. Jonathan covers a variety of topics with Jessica ranging from addiction, relationships, co-dependency, trauma, and finding the path to healing. Jessica also describes her personal journey on becoming a licensed mental health counselor with a focus on IMAGO therapy, relationships, and addiction therapy. 

The Relationship Institute of Palm Beach stresses the importance of self-connection, self-care, and connecting within. A big step in healing individuals from suffering emotional and mental health issues is uncovering the essence of the trauma or cause. Once we can recognize what is the underlying cause of the issue, then we can guide the individual to a recovery of loving oneself Once you begin to love and connect with yourself, then you can truly begin to share your love with the world and those around you.

Listen below to the podcast by Jonathan Doyle and Jessica Baum.

Shifting towards Self-Connection

Jessica Baum