Why We Find It Easy to Reject Others

Rejection hurts. Rejection makes us doubt ourselves - doubt our worth, our attractiveness, our desirability as a romantic partner. It is natural to want to avoid rejection, sometimes even to fear it. 

At times, the desire to avoid rejection leads us to reject others too quickly or even unfairly. It is important to take the time to realize what is behind your actions when you decide it is time to end a relationship. Otherwise you may be rejecting others too easily.   

Our fear of rejection makes it easy for us to reject others

If we fear something, it’s in our nature to do what we can to avoid it. If you are afraid of spiders, you probably won’t  volunteer to clean out the dark corners of the garage. As a child, if you were afraid of the dark, you likely slept with a nightlight on or asked your dad to check under the bed to make sure there weren’t any monsters lurking there. 

Avoiding something you’re afraid of is a natural, often subconscious response. If you fear rejection, you want to avoid rejection. 

One way to accomplish this is to make sure you are the one doing the rejecting before you can be rejected. At the first sign of conflict or disagreement, instead of working through it, you may be tempted to fend off possible rejection by taking on that role yourself. 

It’s important to remember that all relationships will have issues. But if the issue is solvable, consider taking time to collect more information about your partner before jumping to the conclusion that you need to end the relationship. By delaying your decision, are you risking rejection? Maybe. But aren’t you also allowing for the possibility that the relationship could be strengthened - and continue? 

We reject others who reflect parts of ourselves we don’t like

Before rejecting someone, it is important to examine the reason behind the impulse to end the relationship. 

One possibility is that you see something in the other person that you don’t like about yourself. Our strongest reactions often come from perceived flaws or imperfections in others that resemble those we most dislike about ourselves. 

Does this mean that we should reject a partner simply because of a shared flaw? I would encourage you to pause and reflect before taking action. Throughout our lives, as we encounter new people and have interactions with them, we learn not only more about them, but also more about ourselves - unraveling our own strengths and weaknesses. 

It is possible that by recognizing that the flaw we see in someone else is a reflection of our own flaw, we can grow in acceptance of this part of ourselves. As Carl Jung famously said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” 

The transactional nature of modern dating makes it easy to reject others

With all of the online dating options available, “falling in love” has never been easier. Viewing profiles, swiping, and sending and receiving flirtatious messages is exciting. It feels good. In fact, this kind of excitement causes the release of feel-good chemicals in the brain. 

When you first start dating someone, that same chemical is at work, giving you the “stars in your eyes” so common during this early, honeymoon phase. You may feel as if you’ve fallen in love at first sight. Everything your new partner does seems magical and perfect. 

It’s during this phase of a relationship that you are consciously showing your best side - and so is your new partner. But that can’t last forever - and it shouldn’t. It is important to see beyond those carefully curated first impressions and let yourself be truly known. 

Of course, once you start to know each other beyond the surface, issues and challenges - or even everyday annoyances - will crop up. You may be tempted to simply reject your partner and end the relationship because it is no longer new and exciting. 

The nearly endless possibilities available through online dating present us with “too much of a good thing.” This may lead to a feeling that there is always someone else waiting to be found, lessening the incentive to work on the relationship you have. It may seem simpler - and more efficient - to cut ties with someone at the first sign of conflict or discomfort and look for someone new. 

If the challenges you are facing in a new relationship aren’t true red flags, I encourage you not to give up too soon. Take time to learn more, collect more information, and talk openly.  

Check out this blog post where I wrote about online dating and the problems having “endless possibilities” brings. 

Before you reject someone, look inside yourself

Rejection is a part of life that starts  in childhood. While we all need to learn how to handle rejection and keep it in perspective, it’s also important to spend time thinking about why we reject others. 

Whether it’s out of fear of being rejected first, a reaction to something we don’t like in ourselves, or a feeling that something - or someone - better is around the corner (or further down the feed), spend some time reflecting on the reasons you reject others in your relationships. 

If you are struggling with your relationships, click here to visit our website. You’ll find information about how we can help you. And you’ll learn more about what it means to be Self-full®.

Dating in the Modern World with the Constant Threat of Rejection

Nearly every aspect of our daily lives has been impacted - and changed - by technology. Dating is no different. 

Gone are the dating experiences of our grandparents. Community dances where a boy in a suit and tie would cross the room to ask a girl - looking her best in a pretty dress and new lipstick - to share a dance are long gone. Many times the boy’s family and the girl’s family had known each other for years, sharing similar backgrounds and values. 

Then there were stories from our parents. The young man would come to the front door and be invited in to meet the young lady’s parents, and promise sincerely to have her home by curfew. 

Does any of that sound like dating in today’s world? Modern dating involves terms that sound like a foreign language to our parents and grandparents - swipes, matches, profiles, video chats, thumbs up, and ghosting. 

And while dating has always been a place where hearts and egos are put on the line and rejection and heartbreak are possible, even that is different now. There is an added level of vulnerability that comes from dating in today’s world. 

Virtual Dating Apps - Rejection is Inevitable

Almost everyone turns to dating apps at some point, even if it’s only to satisfy their curiosity. Dating apps can be fun, and they can even be an effective way to meet someone with whom you might have a connection. But they’re also a place where feelings of vulnerability and fear of rejection often come to the surface. 

It’s almost inevitable as, by their very nature, dating apps encourage us to make judgments about each other based on superficial details. How attractive do I find this person? How successful does this guy appear to be? As you scroll through your possible matches on an app, you may find yourself making quick decisions about a person’s perceived desirability - or lack thereof. 

Making those decisions probably feels okay when you are the one making the calls. But when you think about the people looking at your profile and judging you, insecurities can rise to the surface. 

Maybe you’re not getting as many responses as your friend, or the girl you share office space with has had three video chats and you’ve only had one exchange of messages. Maybe you indicated an interest in three different guys you were sure were “perfect for you,” and none of them responded.  All of this can lead you to feel like something in you is lacking - like you are not enough. 

Ghosting - It’s not So Friendly 

When I think of ghosts, I imagine either a wispy spirit roaming the halls of an old abandoned house or Casper, the friendly cartoon ghost. But “ghosting” as we use the term today, has nothing to do with hauntings and there’s certainly nothing friendly about it.

It’s easy for someone to be less than kind and tactful with their text or email communications. Hiding behind a screen or device gives a certain layer of protection. Those devices  make it even easier to simply cease all communication. 

The possible reasons one person chooses to “ghost” another are limitless, but we’ll talk about a few possibilities. Some people fear the unknown and may simply get too nervous during the beginning stages of a relationship to continue the communication. Others use it as an easy way to avoid conflict.

If you’ve just started communicating with someone, ghosting may be seen as having no consequences due to a lack of emotional investment. There may even be times when ghosting is seen as a type of self-care. If the relationship is heading in a toxic direction, ghosting can be used as a way to exit - if not gracefully, then at least without drama. 

There’s no question that ghosting leaves the recipient with many unanswered questions. It’s a form of rejection and, given the inherent lack of information, it can be difficult to process. Rejection like this can affect your self-esteem and negatively impact future relationships. That is why it is so important to move past these situations. Spending time with friends and family can be helpful as well as seeking the help of a professional if needed.  

Dating Virtually in a Post-Covid Environment

With our world filled with social distancing, mask-wearing, and more staying at home than ever before, there come new dating challenges as well. However, with some imagination, and an assist from technology, there are still ways to make meaningful connections. 

By now, nearly everyone has become familiar with Zoom meetings through work or school. Many dating apps have similar video chat features that allow you to get to know someone you’ve found through the site, spending time with them “face-to-face.” 

These dates don’t have to be two people just two people sitting on their couches talking. Watch a favorite show together and discuss it. You could even both order takeout from the same restaurant and compare dishes or cook a dish together with a recipe one of you shares. If you have a love for travel and are missing being able to visit different states, regions, or countries, there is even an app that matches members who have similar interests and sends them on virtual adventures.

For at least the near future, getting to know someone new and going on “dates” is going to take some creativity and flexibility. But by embracing technology and having an open mind and a willingness to share your inner selves, it just might be fun! 

Keeping it in Perspective

Despite the pitfalls of dating in today’s world, it’s important to remember that getting to know new people can still be fun. Not everyone will be your perfect match. Remember that who you are, and the value that you bring that goes far beyond an initial impression on a screen. 

I once knew a woman who would scroll past men on her feed she thought were “too good looking,” and another who simply, “didn’t like blond guys.” Were their reasons superficial - and maybe even a little bit silly? Yes. Did they reflect the value of the men they were rejecting? Not at all. Maintaining perspective - and a sense of humor - will help you navigate the road to finding a match who just might be perfect for you. 

One important thing to bring to the world of online dating is the feeling of being content within yourself. To feel - and be - Self-full®. 

 Click here to learn more about how to move toward being Self-full®. 

Is the Fear of Rejection Holding You Back?

No one likes being rejected. That is a simple truth. 

Another simple truth is that rejection is a part of life. Extending yourself in relationships, careers, and everyday life - all can lead to rejection. Is it possible to avoid being rejected? Perhaps. But only by avoiding risks - not taking chances, not trying new things, not reaching for a goal, and resisting opening your heart to another person. 

In other words, living your life to avoid rejection means not living the life you are meant for. Not having the relationships, career opportunities, and experiences that add up to a life of happiness and fulfillment. 

This fear of rejection, like so many fears, is often rooted in childhood. Whether it was being chosen last for a team or being told “no,” when you asked to join a group at the lunch table, we all have memories of being told we weren’t good enough. For some of us, those messages became part of our inner selves, holding us back and keeping us from attaining true happiness. 

How the fear of rejection manifests itself in relationships

When you are driven by the fear of rejection, you are afraid to truly be yourself. What if you open yourself up to another person and show them who you really are and the relationship doesn’t last? That must mean you’re not good enough, right? So instead of revealing who you really are and taking that chance, you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, afraid to assert yourself and express your wants, needs, and opinions. 

There is a risk of falling into a pattern of being selfless in your relationships - of giving too much in an effort to avoid being rejected. You may find yourself constantly giving and not receiving. This giving is different than being of service to someone or engaging in acts of loving sacrifice. This type of giving manifests itself by not saying “no” or asserting yourself out of fear that these actions will lead to rejection. 

A perfect example of this can be found in the movie Runaway Bride, starring Julia Roberts. Julia’s character, Maggie, has left more than one groom at the altar. In one scene she talks about how none of the grooms really knew her. Richard Gere, playing a reporter interested in her story, points out that she doesn’t seem to know herself. His evidence - the fact that she changes her favorite kind of eggs to match the preference of the man in her life - from fried to scrambled, poached to egg whites. She is afraid to express an honest opinion about something as simple as how she likes her eggs to be prepared. 

How this fear gets recreated time and again

What happens with subconscious fears, like the fear of rejection, is that we project them into our relationships with others. When you fear rejection, it’s as if you’re playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Instead of working toward fulfillment, you’re avoiding risks because by not taking risks, you are able to avoid the possibility of rejection. 

Being sensitive to rejection and worrying about it may lead you to spend a lot of time imagining worst-case scenarios. This can cause you to avoid altogether any situation with the possibility of rejection. But by not taking chances, you also avoid the possibility of achieving your goals. 

When this fear remains unhealed, it is always under the surface, affecting your relationships with others and with yourself. Your actions are motivated by self-interest and insecurity. 

In order to be part of a mutually beneficial and fulfilling relationship, you must be secure in yourself. You must be Self-full®.

How to recognize the fear of rejection in yourself

Everyone has fears. There are obvious fears, like a fear of spiders or heights or flying in an airplane. Subconscious fears, like the fear of rejection, are more difficult to detect. But if you examine your behavior, you’ll find clues. 

Ask yourself some questions and really listen to the answers. Have you been afraid to cross the room to talk to an attractive person because they might not respond positively? When you’re in a relationship, do you hesitate to express your opinions - even about something as simple as which movie to see or where to have dinner - because you are afraid your partner won’t like your ideas? Do you hold back from seeking promotion or recognition in your career? All of these can be signs that you fear rejection. 

Next steps

The fear of rejection can keep you from living your life to the fullest. It can keep you from finding fulfillment in your career and in your relationships. Facing your fears isn’t easy, but it is well worth the effort. You’ll find when you truly face your fears, they no longer control your life. 

Today, take honest notice of your fear of being rejected. Also, try to notice how this fear impacts your choices. What would it mean to free yourself from those feelings? Start to dig deep. I know you can do it. The rewards are so worth it. 

Know yourself. Be your own best friend. Be Self-full®.

Learn more about what it means to be Self-full®.