Dating in the Modern World with the Constant Threat of Rejection

Nearly every aspect of our daily lives has been impacted - and changed - by technology. Dating is no different. 

Gone are the dating experiences of our grandparents. Community dances where a boy in a suit and tie would cross the room to ask a girl - looking her best in a pretty dress and new lipstick - to share a dance are long gone. Many times the boy’s family and the girl’s family had known each other for years, sharing similar backgrounds and values. 

Then there were stories from our parents. The young man would come to the front door and be invited in to meet the young lady’s parents, and promise sincerely to have her home by curfew. 

Does any of that sound like dating in today’s world? Modern dating involves terms that sound like a foreign language to our parents and grandparents - swipes, matches, profiles, video chats, thumbs up, and ghosting. 

And while dating has always been a place where hearts and egos are put on the line and rejection and heartbreak are possible, even that is different now. There is an added level of vulnerability that comes from dating in today’s world. 

Virtual Dating Apps - Rejection is Inevitable

Almost everyone turns to dating apps at some point, even if it’s only to satisfy their curiosity. Dating apps can be fun, and they can even be an effective way to meet someone with whom you might have a connection. But they’re also a place where feelings of vulnerability and fear of rejection often come to the surface. 

It’s almost inevitable as, by their very nature, dating apps encourage us to make judgments about each other based on superficial details. How attractive do I find this person? How successful does this guy appear to be? As you scroll through your possible matches on an app, you may find yourself making quick decisions about a person’s perceived desirability - or lack thereof. 

Making those decisions probably feels okay when you are the one making the calls. But when you think about the people looking at your profile and judging you, insecurities can rise to the surface. 

Maybe you’re not getting as many responses as your friend, or the girl you share office space with has had three video chats and you’ve only had one exchange of messages. Maybe you indicated an interest in three different guys you were sure were “perfect for you,” and none of them responded.  All of this can lead you to feel like something in you is lacking - like you are not enough. 

Ghosting - It’s not So Friendly 

When I think of ghosts, I imagine either a wispy spirit roaming the halls of an old abandoned house or Casper, the friendly cartoon ghost. But “ghosting” as we use the term today, has nothing to do with hauntings and there’s certainly nothing friendly about it.

It’s easy for someone to be less than kind and tactful with their text or email communications. Hiding behind a screen or device gives a certain layer of protection. Those devices  make it even easier to simply cease all communication. 

The possible reasons one person chooses to “ghost” another are limitless, but we’ll talk about a few possibilities. Some people fear the unknown and may simply get too nervous during the beginning stages of a relationship to continue the communication. Others use it as an easy way to avoid conflict.

If you’ve just started communicating with someone, ghosting may be seen as having no consequences due to a lack of emotional investment. There may even be times when ghosting is seen as a type of self-care. If the relationship is heading in a toxic direction, ghosting can be used as a way to exit - if not gracefully, then at least without drama. 

There’s no question that ghosting leaves the recipient with many unanswered questions. It’s a form of rejection and, given the inherent lack of information, it can be difficult to process. Rejection like this can affect your self-esteem and negatively impact future relationships. That is why it is so important to move past these situations. Spending time with friends and family can be helpful as well as seeking the help of a professional if needed.  

Dating Virtually in a Post-Covid Environment

With our world filled with social distancing, mask-wearing, and more staying at home than ever before, there come new dating challenges as well. However, with some imagination, and an assist from technology, there are still ways to make meaningful connections. 

By now, nearly everyone has become familiar with Zoom meetings through work or school. Many dating apps have similar video chat features that allow you to get to know someone you’ve found through the site, spending time with them “face-to-face.” 

These dates don’t have to be two people just two people sitting on their couches talking. Watch a favorite show together and discuss it. You could even both order takeout from the same restaurant and compare dishes or cook a dish together with a recipe one of you shares. If you have a love for travel and are missing being able to visit different states, regions, or countries, there is even an app that matches members who have similar interests and sends them on virtual adventures.

For at least the near future, getting to know someone new and going on “dates” is going to take some creativity and flexibility. But by embracing technology and having an open mind and a willingness to share your inner selves, it just might be fun! 

Keeping it in Perspective

Despite the pitfalls of dating in today’s world, it’s important to remember that getting to know new people can still be fun. Not everyone will be your perfect match. Remember that who you are, and the value that you bring that goes far beyond an initial impression on a screen. 

I once knew a woman who would scroll past men on her feed she thought were “too good looking,” and another who simply, “didn’t like blond guys.” Were their reasons superficial - and maybe even a little bit silly? Yes. Did they reflect the value of the men they were rejecting? Not at all. Maintaining perspective - and a sense of humor - will help you navigate the road to finding a match who just might be perfect for you. 

One important thing to bring to the world of online dating is the feeling of being content within yourself. To feel - and be - Self-full®. 

 Click here to learn more about how to move toward being Self-full®.