Steer Clear of Codependency By Becoming Self-Full™

Being self-less is destroying your life and relationships. Learn how to correct that by becoming Self-Full™

For many years I have been treating co-dependent people. In reality, codependency is the underlying problem of many concerns coming through my office. I view codependency as a dysfunctional relationship with yourself where you become selfless in your relationships. Mostly fear drives this behavior but often, it can be a combination of learned behavior, fear, guilt, low self-esteem or an avoidance of yourself.

Yes, that’s right we can avoid ourselves by taking care of and being focused on others. By engaging in this relationship, you can develop the ability to know what everyone else is feeling,  possibly take care of their feelings but struggle really taking care of your own needs.

I even think codependency is at the root of a lot of addiction cases.

How to overcome codependency in a relationship

You might be reading this and thinking ”but addicts are selfish”, well, it is not always the case. Usually, most people who are suffering have a distorted relationship with their own selves.  

It is much easier to think of a mother fitting into a codependent behavior. Because, well, isn't a mother’s job to put the needs of others before her own? So, this is tricky and in some ways, yes, we have to care for and protect our children. But in the process, we can easily lose our sense of self in many of these roles.

The term Self-Full™ originated because I found myself for years telling codependent people that I needed them to be more selfish in a healthy way.
Try telling a mother that.

Most of my clients really struggled with their therapist telling them they need to be more selfish. The word “selfish” alone brings all kinds of negatives feelings and associations. So I started to think “well, how else can I explain this concept?”. I changed the word from selfish to self-full™ and all of a sudden my clients could better understand.

I suggested a spectrum where selfless was on the far-left then, in the middle self-full and after,  on the fair-right selfish (selfless——self-full™——-selfish).

Selfish vs. Self-full: what is the difference

I pointed to selfless and said “you are here, and I am not asking you to move all the way to selfish, but there is a MIDDLE”. By being self-full™, I meant that it was ok to take care of your needs first. Boundaries are empowering, it is okay to shift back power from others back to yourself.

I knew the concept was a success when my own clients began coming into the office with a smile on their faces stating something like “I was self-full ™ this weekend when I told my kids mommy is going to take a bath and shut the door , and I took a long bath with myself.” Or “I told my friend I want to drive myself to the party because I needed to have my car there, and I felt self-full™”.

I even had one client tell me that I had to trademark the word. So I did. Learn what it means to be Self-Full™ here from another blog post of mine. I continue to use the concept to help clients form a new and healthier vision of self care for themselves. I write about it in an online course and a book I am launching soon!

I hope Self-Full™ helps you understand better what true self care is. True self care is not about being selfish but it is really about having a healthy relationship with yourself, knowing your needs and taking appropriate action around them.

Want to share your journey to Self-Full™? Be sure to join our new free online group on Facebook called Conscious Relationships, it is a closed group created by The Relationship Institute.

For more talks, be sure to follow my Instagram account @jessicabaumlmhc where we can connect and create more healing in community.

What does it mean to be Self-Full™?

Self-Less, Self-Full™, and Selfish Defined

Have you ever had experiences where you’ve felt pulled in so many different directions? Life continues to tear you down because you’re doing absolutely everything for absolutely everyone else, except yourself. For example, you’ve had an extraneously long week at work. You’re boss has been out of town and you’ve collected more hours of work which has left you stressed and exhausted. It’s Friday afternoon and the only thing you’re thinking about is getting into your bathtub at home. Then, one friend calls you to ask if you can help them move a few boxes  into a new apartment, and of course, without even thinking you say yes. After you’ve agreed to help them, you immediately feel resentment because you have asked this friend to help you with a task before, and they denied. But, internally you feel that if you help them with this move, maybe they will help you down the road. Then, the same day, another friend calls you to go out for drinks across town. Even though you’re exhausted from helping your friend move a dozen boxes up and down the stairs for two hours, you can’t say ‘no’ to the other friend who’s asking you to meet up for drinks because you haven’t seen them in a while. You always say yes, no matter what the circumstance may be. You would do anything for a friend, even if your body and soul is telling you otherwise. I’ve got news for you… This is the act of being self-less. Those who are self-less have not learned to adequately love themselves. Most believe that receiving love is contingent upon doing-they must give (a part of themselves) in order to receive (love and positive attention).

So, then what is it to be self-full™? You have a great understanding of boundaries and yourself. If you were self-full, you wouldn’t allow your friends to take advantage of your time and energy, but you would communicate in a kind way that you need your down time, and would be happy to assist or meet them out when you’re schedule slows down a bit. Internally, this would not eat at you. You would feel comfortable and at ease knowing that your friends understand your situation and will still be there for you. You let your friend know that once you’ve had a night to yourself, you will be glad to help them move the next day. You know how to meet your emotional needs. You have to fill yourself up with love in order to give love and compassion to others. So, in other words, if you’re self-full, you have reached the status of self-love in full capacity.

Now, we all know those who are on the opposite side of the self-less spectrum, the selfish. The selfish individual is one who is entirely focused on having his or her needs met all the time. The selfish individual would never go out of his or her way to help a friend move, nor would they give of their time unless it was their idea to meet a friend out for drinks. The selfish individual will feed off the energy of others, without making any attempts at replenishment. The selfish individual lacks real empathy and often puts their needs before others.

So, the next time you’re feeling worn down and dried up internally. Take some time for yourself to renew, rejuvenate, and revive yourself to be able to extend yourself to others. There is nothing wrong with enjoying your ‘down time’. So, go ahead… fill up that bathtub, drop in some essential oils, turn on the relaxing music, and treat yourself to some chocolate covered strawberries on a Friday night. Once you become self-full™, you’ll realize the true potential of living a more balanced life.

Take the quiz here to find out ‘How Self-Full™ Are You?’