Is the Fear of Rejection Holding You Back?

No one likes being rejected. That is a simple truth. 

Another simple truth is that rejection is a part of life. Extending yourself in relationships, careers, and everyday life - all can lead to rejection. Is it possible to avoid being rejected? Perhaps. But only by avoiding risks - not taking chances, not trying new things, not reaching for a goal, and resisting opening your heart to another person. 

In other words, living your life to avoid rejection means not living the life you are meant for. Not having the relationships, career opportunities, and experiences that add up to a life of happiness and fulfillment. 

This fear of rejection, like so many fears, is often rooted in childhood. Whether it was being chosen last for a team or being told “no,” when you asked to join a group at the lunch table, we all have memories of being told we weren’t good enough. For some of us, those messages became part of our inner selves, holding us back and keeping us from attaining true happiness. 

How the fear of rejection manifests itself in relationships

When you are driven by the fear of rejection, you are afraid to truly be yourself. What if you open yourself up to another person and show them who you really are and the relationship doesn’t last? That must mean you’re not good enough, right? So instead of revealing who you really are and taking that chance, you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, afraid to assert yourself and express your wants, needs, and opinions. 

There is a risk of falling into a pattern of being selfless in your relationships - of giving too much in an effort to avoid being rejected. You may find yourself constantly giving and not receiving. This giving is different than being of service to someone or engaging in acts of loving sacrifice. This type of giving manifests itself by not saying “no” or asserting yourself out of fear that these actions will lead to rejection. 

A perfect example of this can be found in the movie Runaway Bride, starring Julia Roberts. Julia’s character, Maggie, has left more than one groom at the altar. In one scene she talks about how none of the grooms really knew her. Richard Gere, playing a reporter interested in her story, points out that she doesn’t seem to know herself. His evidence - the fact that she changes her favorite kind of eggs to match the preference of the man in her life - from fried to scrambled, poached to egg whites. She is afraid to express an honest opinion about something as simple as how she likes her eggs to be prepared. 

How this fear gets recreated time and again

What happens with subconscious fears, like the fear of rejection, is that we project them into our relationships with others. When you fear rejection, it’s as if you’re playing not to lose rather than playing to win. Instead of working toward fulfillment, you’re avoiding risks because by not taking risks, you are able to avoid the possibility of rejection. 

Being sensitive to rejection and worrying about it may lead you to spend a lot of time imagining worst-case scenarios. This can cause you to avoid altogether any situation with the possibility of rejection. But by not taking chances, you also avoid the possibility of achieving your goals. 

When this fear remains unhealed, it is always under the surface, affecting your relationships with others and with yourself. Your actions are motivated by self-interest and insecurity. 

In order to be part of a mutually beneficial and fulfilling relationship, you must be secure in yourself. You must be Self-full®.

How to recognize the fear of rejection in yourself

Everyone has fears. There are obvious fears, like a fear of spiders or heights or flying in an airplane. Subconscious fears, like the fear of rejection, are more difficult to detect. But if you examine your behavior, you’ll find clues. 

Ask yourself some questions and really listen to the answers. Have you been afraid to cross the room to talk to an attractive person because they might not respond positively? When you’re in a relationship, do you hesitate to express your opinions - even about something as simple as which movie to see or where to have dinner - because you are afraid your partner won’t like your ideas? Do you hold back from seeking promotion or recognition in your career? All of these can be signs that you fear rejection. 

Next steps

The fear of rejection can keep you from living your life to the fullest. It can keep you from finding fulfillment in your career and in your relationships. Facing your fears isn’t easy, but it is well worth the effort. You’ll find when you truly face your fears, they no longer control your life. 

Today, take honest notice of your fear of being rejected. Also, try to notice how this fear impacts your choices. What would it mean to free yourself from those feelings? Start to dig deep. I know you can do it. The rewards are so worth it. 

Know yourself. Be your own best friend. Be Self-full®.

Learn more about what it means to be Self-full®.